Preseason Newsletter
It is with great sorrow that I announce the retirement of Aaron Van Wormer from our league. He’s hanging up his cleats to focus his efforts on the upcoming election he calls the Fight on Mold™. His retirement comes after a roller coaster career:
- In the 2020 Covid Year, he represented team John’s Daddy where he finished 8th with an abysmal 5-8 record.
- He outdid himself in his second year leading the Mighty Walleroos to an astounding 3-11 record where he defeated Wahrman’s World Wahr III in the Toilet Bowl.
- His best performance came in 2022 when he succumbed to corporate greed, selling his team to Presented by Crypto.com. This move led to a personal best 8-6 record and 3rd place finish over Callister’s MY KUPP HURTS. Despite his win coming as a result of the Damar Hamlin game where Callister’s Gabe Davis and Evan McPherson combined for 1 point, Van Wormer invested his $125 right back into crypto.
- Last year Van Wormer’s Crypto went 7-7 and saw no post season play.
Aaron ends his career with the third all-time most losses, third least playoff wins, and zero championship victories. He leaves behind a legacy so mid that he’s become the benchmark for mediocrity in the sport, embodying the persistent yet unremarkable career that is remembered more for its missed opportunities than moments of greatness.
Despite his shortcomings, Aaron brought a heart of competition and fire this league desperately needed. His trash talk invigorated the group, turning each matchup into a must-watch event. His spirt earned him respect from his competitors. His legacy will not be forgotten.
Join me in wishing Aaron Van Wormer the best of luck in his future endeavors and thanking him for the unforgettable moments he brought to our league. May his Fight on Mold™ be as spirited as his time with us.
Thank you,
Office of the Commissioner
KC Guyz 