Estimated time spent on article: 6 hours
After weeks of sweltering Kansas City heat, last Saturday the KC Guyz were greeted by a brisk, blue-skied, 80-degree morning — perfect conditions for voluntarily attending a high school track meet, an experience most of the Guyz hadn’t had in well over a decade.
The setting was filled with friendship, fidelity, and the quiet dread of a man in his thirties realizing he is about to run a mile. Children watched from the sidelines, cheering on their fathers as twelve grown men prepared to embarrass themselves by throwing baseballs, hurling frisbees, and running 1600 meters.
🏃 The Track Meet
Frisbee Throw
It came as no surprise that Chris dominated the frisbee. As a longtime disc golfer, he arrived with a clear strategic advantage, using his extensive knowledge of disc physics to land the frisbee on its edge and roll it an additional thirty yards for a 97-yard throw.
Our publication has not seen innovation like that since the Zuggernauts started drafting kickers in the ninth round.
Frisbee Results (in yards):
- Chris — 97
- Andrew — 92
- Trey — 84
- Travis — 82
- Spencer — 76
- Matt — 75
- Collin — 72
- John — 69
- Connor — 66
- Sam — 62
- Ryan — 60
- Jordan — 45
Baseball Toss
Connor leaned on his extensive baseball résumé — which includes playing through the summer after 7th grade — to outthrow every other KC Guy at 77 yards. Numerologists are calling it his jackpot throw (that’s a 777 joke).
Baseball Results (in yards):
- Connor — 77
- Chris — 76
- Trey — 72
- Andrew and Jordan — 65
- Collin — 62
- Travis — 57
- Sam — 56
- Spencer — 44
- Matt and Ryan — 39
- John — 26
The Mile
The mile provided the morning’s marquee event. Spencer emerged victorious after weeks of long-distance training, with a time of 6:17.
Chris and Matt followed one second later in a dead heat. The official photo evidence needed to settle the tie was compromised when the one person responsible for taking the picture, Collin, apparently forgot to get out his camera.
At the back of the field, Andrew crossed in 10:50, four minutes and thirty-three seconds after Spencer. To put that in perspective: by the time Andrew finished, Spencer had completed the race, caught his breath, checked in with his girls, congratulated everyone, and still had enough time left over to order coffee from Filling Station across the street.
Mile results:
- Spencer — 6:17
- Chris — 6:18
- Matt — 6:18
- Travis — 6:29
- Connor — 6:36
- Ryan — 6:43
- Sam — 6:59
- Jordan — 7:06
- Collin — 7:27
- Trey — 8:03
- Andrew — 10:50
- John — DNR
Chris left the track meet as its clear standout: 1st in frisbee, 2nd in baseball, and 2nd in the mile. He was, by any reasonable measure, the best athlete on the field.
♠️ Poker Night
With the athletic portion behind them, the Guyz transitioned to the mental portion of the combine.
Ryan spent much of the evening delivering subliminal messages to the table through one simple phrase: “Pot’s good.” 🌿
Our first controversy of the season arrived. Eye witnesses report of collusion between Trey and Connor, in apparent violation of Rule 2.1, which prohibits “real-world cash or favors exchanged for trades.” The trade in question: Trey’s eighth-round pick and a Cheesy Gordita Crunch for Connor’s fourth-round pick. Those in Lamb’s camp are questioning his judgment following his lackluster 2025 campaign, and we are monitoring for early signs of Melon Man.
Collin eliminated Trey not once, but twice. Following the second elimination, witnesses reported that Collin may have quietly whispered, “Who’s your daddy?”
The culmination of the evening came when Jordan put Collin all-in and won with quad 9s against a straight.
🥇The Champion and Results
Spencer Mobley won the mile, finished third in poker, and avoided any single disastrous event. He is your 2026 KC Guyz Combine champion.
Overall Results:
- Spencer
- Jordan
- Collin
- Travis
- Chris
- Trey
- Sam
- Connor
- Ryan
- Andrew
- Matt
- John
🙏 Patting Ourselves on the Back
An event of this scale does not happen by accident. It takes a village.
It takes a village to coordinate twelve men in their thirties around a single calendar date. It takes a village to send the reminder texts, the follow-up reminder texts, and then call each guy individually because several of them do not read texts.
It takes a village to persevere through scheduling conflicts. It takes a village to stand its ground in defense of the Guyz who arrived late to the track meet or who couldn’t make poker night. It takes a village to run a poker tournament on schedule for a group of men who were learning the difference between a flush and a straight.
It takes a village to reserve a high school track. It takes a village to keep the results in a spreadsheet with three separate tiebreak rules.
It takes a village to write the recap.
We could not have had an event this fun and this easy without me, the village. We really do create one of the best days of the year for the KC Guyz. Round of applause and big thanks to us, your village.
🏈 A Wellness Check on the Toilet Bowl Champ
For last year’s Toilet Bowl champion, Connor, the offseason has been a long one filled by heartbreak regarding his departure from the Fantasy Footballers and miles and miles of running. Out of genuine concern for his mental state, this office reached out to his father, David Lamb, for a wellness check.
When asked whether he was aware of his son’s finish last season, David responded:
“No, he didn’t tell me he came in last place!”
In behavioral psychology, this is known as low self-disclosure: the deliberate withholding of personal information from close relations, typically driven by shame. The literature identifies it as a strong predictor of avoidant coping. A smaller and more troubling body of scholarship links it to slippery watermelon.
We asked what Connor had been up to. David volunteered that in the offseason, the two had worked out together in Texas where:
“At twice his age, I could out bench press him.”
Whether that pain has fueled him or broken him remains to be seen. And yet, despite years of cancellations, THE SHOW appears to have been miraculously renewed for another season.
One thing is certain: the 2026 KC Guyz season is almost here.
