Week 3 Newsletter
As we move past the divisional matchups, patterns have emerged, highlighting the strengths and weaknesses across the league’s three divisions. Below is a breakdown of the current divisional power rankings.
3. The Patriots
In the league’s least competitive division, The Patriots bring up the rear. We say “rear” because this division is ass. The stats are telling:
- Total Points Scored: A league-low 1,437.26.
- Combined Losses: 6.
Their weakest link Collin Green, a ginger, avoided injuries, yet averages a measly 105 points per game.
Not without hope, John Gilmore offers his division these redeeming qualities:
- Waiver wire hustler with pickups like Mason & Brooks
- Has the fewest points scored against him.
- Wishes to be taken “Higher”–likely a subtle nod of envy for the Space Cadets.
2. The Girl Dads
Squatting in the middle of the pack is the division with the loudest advocates for the Median Win system. And rightfully so, considering their perfectly average performance.
- Total Points: 1,523.88, exactly one third of the possible 4,515.2 points.
- Record: Exactly average at .500.
Their weakest link, Jordan Bosch, used the No. 1 overall pick for a player on IR, benched Jayden Daniels—the QB2 on the season, and saw his second-round pick hit the shelf as well. Giving up on his season, he nicknamed one player after a verse that says, “You are an outcast, for whom no one cares” (Jer 30:17).
The division’s shining star, Trey Kennedy, has excelled:
- Officially became a girl dad.
- Undefeated.
- Lucid dreamer, but his record suggests he’s wide awake.
1. The Space Cadets
No surprises here—the Space Cadets soared to the top. Should current trends continue, this division will see three of its members in the playoffs:
- Total Points Scored: League best, 1554.06.
- Combined Wins: 6.
Their weakest link, Bears fan, and last year’s Toilet Bowl winner, Sam Arends, has four players out including Deebo and Mostert.
The Cadets continue to fly high thanks to Connor Lamb, who has been stellar:
- Leads the league in total points.
- Drafted Kamara
- Avoided significant injuries.
Week 3 Recap
- Gilmore outbids Arends and Mobley with a $27 pickup of committee RB Jonathon Brooks.
- Norton loses Kittle after trading away Kelce.
- Arends, former cop, adds player shot in the offseason to his already injured bench.
- O’Neil does a doodie.
- Cotton hikes down mountain to set lineup 10-minutes before kickoff.
- Zisman adds Tucker to the trade block after his third missed FG in as many games.
- Lamb pretends to have read Joseph Campbell in lackluster trash talk.
- Mobley names team after player averaging 3.5 yards per carry.
Message of the Week
League Legacy Standings
Week 4 Preview
Matchup Overview:
This week in history:
- Ryan Zisman set the record for Most Matchup Points in the regular season (190.38) in 2020 Week 4.
- Connor Lamb and Spencer Mobley set the record for Highest Combined Score (337.7) in 2023 Week 4.
All the best,
Office of the Commissioner
KC Guyz 