KC Guyz

By John Gilmore, Contributing Writer

Entering a crucial Week 14 with multiple Do-Or-Die matchups to determine playoff and toilet seeding, This Reporter took it upon himself to answer an age-old question.

What in the heck woulda happened if the ballot for 2 wins per week would have passed?

Girl Dads have opined long and hard (nice) about the superiority of their division. They waxed eloquently until they were blue in the face about their fantasy skill and the difficulty of their division, thumping their chests at every opportunity to pronounce that they would get 3 or 4 teams into the playoffs in spite of having 1 win per week. Their belief in the 2-party win system, then, would obviously lead one to believe that 2 wins would do nothing but bolster their grandstanding about the superiority of their division.

This Reporter has listened to their outbursts all season and quietly wondered the question that everyone is thinking.

You sure about that? You sure about that that’s why?

Not sure about it at all, This Reporter went on a fact-finding mission, and boy did he ever find some facts. Having spent countless seconds with nothing but an excel spreadsheet, the Sleeper app, and a hot cup of Joe (“Who’s Joe, and why are you spending so much time with him?” Melissa asks), This Reporter has unearthed the YTD results of our league if there were 2 wins per week instead of 1, like the good Lord intended. Be warned, the results may shock you.

The current bracket:

The bracket if there were 2 wins per week:

If one accepts the argument that 2 wins per week is a better way of determining the best teams (and one is not a total dunce), then one has to accept that it is not the Girl Dads with the best division, but the mighty Patriots who set the standard for excellence in our league, with the ironically named Space Cadets and their failure-to-launch approach to the season getting the pity playoff invite.

Considering these undeniable facts, the league is forced to accept that the Patriots division is unequivocally the strongest division. This Reporter, though, questions the viability of 2 wins per week with a burning question that keeps him up at night.

Why won’t Melissa laugh at any of my jokes?

Is 2 wins per week the right thing to do?

For more clarity on the matter, he turned to league Nice Guy, moral scholar, and Toilet Bracket Bound Andrew for comment.

“Yes, two wins a week would help me. And show that my team is much better than not only the Girl Dads, but it would also highlight the bad luck I’ve had with Points Against. BUT I will stick to my beliefs and say 1 win is how football is to be played. It’s how God intended.”

This leads us to the inevitable conclusion that, while 2 wins per week would undoubtedly separate the wheat (Patriots) from the chaff (the rest of you), it is not the right thing to do. As Proverbs 5:15-18 (John Living Translation) says:

¹⁵ Enjoy wins from your own cisterns.

¹⁶ Should your points overflow into the streets, for just anyone to consume?

¹⁷ No, let them be yours alone, never to be shared.

¹⁸May your matchups be blessed, and may you enjoy the game of your youth