KC Guyz

The Witching Hour

By Office of the Commissioner, Editor-in-Chief

As playoff tensions rise, we begin the final week of the regular season with some levity.

In today’s newsletter, we:

  • Power rank team mascots by who would win in a fight
  • Highlight the playoff picture
  • Include this week’s recap and next week’s preview.

Power Ranking Mascots by Who Would Win a Fight

S Tier:

  1. Noah: The ultimate survivor, Noah secures the top spot for his resilience, stamina, and ability to endure global annihilation while single-handedly saving the human race.
    • ATK: 10
    • DEF: 1,000,000,000

A Tier:

  1. Offensive Line: Full padded and known for their injury inducing tackles, this group gains the advantage in numbers.
    • ATK: 200
    • DEF: 350
  2. Rambo: Armed with plot armor this legendary veteran refuses to go down without a fight.
    • ATK: 75
    • DEF: 95

B Tier:

  1. Soldier: Highly trained and heroic, this soldier is a strong contender.
    • ATK: 55
    • DEF: 65
  2. Joseph Stalin: Responsible for millions of deaths, Stalin’s infamy doesn’t translate to one-on-one combat.
    • ATK: 85
    • DEF: 30
  3. Ghostface: Although a chilling killer with 50 victims, his survival hinges on ambushes rather than strength.
    • ATK: 75
    • DEF: 15

C Tier:

  1. Mark Driscoll: A spiritual heavyweight who inflicted emotional damage on millions. Unfortunately, his fighting skills don’t match his legacy of religious trauma.
    • ATK: 25
    • DEF: 10
  2. Scott Stapp: The Creed frontman might pack arenas, but his setlists (and fists) lack the punch needed to climb higher.
    • ATK: 20
    • DEF: 10

D Tier:

  1. Francis Bourgeois: While a cheerful trainspotter, don’t underestimate his ability to channel his inner Frank Underwood.
    • ATK: 8
    • DEF: 5
  2. Mallard: A seemingly harmless waterfowl, but don’t let its quacks fool you as it may drop a lil surprise on you mid-flight.
    • ATK: 5
    • DEF: 12

F Tier:

  1. Football: Lacking a corporeal form, this object can’t throw a punch, let alone win a fight.
    • ATK: 0
    • DEF: 1
  2. Teddy Bear: Cute, cuddly, and entirely harmless—much like the team owner he represents.
    • ATK: 0
    • DEF: 0

Playoff Picture

Playoff Spots Clinched

OwnerScenario
Spencer MobleyHas 1-seed virtually clinched. Could win $150 for seasonal high points if he covers a -50 spread against the second most points
John GilmoreA win against Collin ensures a first round bye. A loss could either:
1. Still give him the bye if he losses by fewer than 20 points AND outscores Ryan by 40.
2. Or, put him in the 5/6 seed based on Trey’s and Jordan’s games.
Trey KennedyA win ensures he plays the 5-seed, who will likely be Jordan Bosch. A loss could put him on the other side of the bracket if:
1. Collin beats John by at least 20 points.
2. And, John fails to outscore Trey by 40 points.
Jordan BoschA win ensures he plays in the 4/5-seed game week 15. A loss could place him as the 6-seed playing the divisional winner who did not secure a bye.

In The Hunt

OwnerScenario
Ryan ZismanA win guarantees a playoff spot. Could earn the first round bye if John losses. A loss could bump him from the playoffs if Collin and Sam/Andrew wins.
Collin GreenA win could give him a first round bye if he beats John and outscores Ryan by 60. A loss could knock him out of the playoffs if any of the 6-win teams earn a 7th winning and tie-break him on points.

On the Bubble

OwnerScenario
Andrew NortonA win could get him a playoff spot if Collin loses. Outscoring Spencer by 50 would earn him the seasonal most points cash prize.
Sam ArendsA win could earn him a playoff spot if either:
1. Ryan loses and he outscores him by 3 points.
2. Or, Collin and Andrew lose.
Matt O’NeilA win could earn him a playoff spot if Collin, Sam, and Andrew lose.
Connor LambA win could earn him a playoff spot if:
1. Matt, Collin, Sam, and Andrew lose, and he outscores Collin by 18.

Flushed

OwnerScenario
Travis CottonSecured Toilet Bowl Playoff bye. Bidding $55 could have gotten him Isaac Guerrendo with a potential Toilet Bowl saving pickup. Would’ve require Norton to fail to bid with $100 in faab.1 A win ensures playing on the easier side of the bracket
Chris WahrmanSecured Toilet Bowl Playoff bye. A win with Travis losing could place Chris on the easier side of the bracket.
  1. This comment was written on 12/3, Tuesday evening, before waivers ran. ↩︎

Week 13 Recap

Extra Points:

  1. Bosch led the league in thankfulness.
  2. Oreo joined Gilmore on this week’s pod reminiscent of the Rick and Morty episode where Snowball gains sentience.
  3. Josh Allen scores 10.82 points on a touchdown lateral with 6 points for the touchdown and .9 for yardage. Zisman won matchup by 6.5 points.
  4. Wahrman loses matchup after Broncos Defense score two touchdowns.
  5. After losing vote to change rule, Gilmore leverages the “drop bench player” method to grab Elijah Moore before the MNF game to bypass waivers.

Message of the Week:

Message of the Week Honorable Mentions:

Week 14 Preview

Storylines:

  1. O’Neil, in must-win game to do exactly what his Median Men would have wanted: to go 7-7.
  2. Mobley, a victim of his own success, doesn’t get to enjoy the thrill of fantasy football this week as he’s so far ahead of everyone else.
  3. Green chomping at the bit to roster dump upon playoff elimination.

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