Gilmore First-Ballot Hall of Shamer

Every league thrives on its traditions. For the KC Guyz, none looms larger than the punishments meted out to its Toilet Bowl Champions. From the grueling Waffle House Challenge to the nerve-wracking Standup Routine, and now the standard-setting Masters Half Marathon, these rites of passage have become the backbone of league accountability.

In today’s newsletter, we:

Power Rank the Toilet Bowl Champs
Highlight our Platform for 2025.
Include this week’s recap and next week’s preview.

Power Ranking the Toilet Bowl Champs

Before diving into the rankings, let’s take a moment to honor the Toilet Bowl Champs. Once dismissed as league losers, these individuals have become the backbone of the KC Guyz, upholding the league’s traditions and integrity. It takes just one person shirking responsibility for this whole league to fall like a house of cards. We are thankful to the toilet champs of old—namely Gilmore, Wahrman, Kennedy, and Arends—who helped shape this league into what it is today.

Here are our Toilet Bowl Champ rankings:

S Tier:

We’ve written previously about Gilmore’s dedication to the KC Guyz where we believe he completed the worst punishment in league history and did so with passion. At 13 waffles in 11 hours, in a Waffle House, this punishment certainly took the longest to complete, and we recognize his perseverance. Imagine where this league would be at if he had pulled a loser-move like the guy from Dude Perfect who switched to junior sized waffles 1-hour into the punishment. It was through Gilmore’s example that the high bar was set.

For those who don’t know, upon finishing his final waffle, Gilmore capped the night vomiting into the Waffle House toilet.

Total Time Spent on Challenge: 11 hours.
Total Time Spent on Challenge Prep: 1 hour.

A Tier:

It’s often cited that glossophobia, or the fear of public speaking, is one of the most common fears, ahead of heights, dentists, and spiders. It’s fitting then that coming in at our A tier is Chris Wahrman for his efforts completing the 2021 punishment of 5-minutes of stand-up comedy. He did so well, he was invited back on stage for another round of jokes.

Not only did he win the night’s comic competition, he won the hearts of the KC Guyz. Wahrman provides some of the foundational glue and jovial spirits necessary for this league’s longevity.

Total Time Spent on Challenge: 5-minutes.
Total Time Spend on Challenge Prep: 50 hours over 6 months.

B Tier:

We’re saving this tier for the Toilet Bowl Champ who can complete a half marathon between 2:00 and 2:30.

C Tier:

This office isn’t sure the half marathon punishment would become our defacto event if not for the efforts made by Trey Kennedy who not only completed the challenge but coordinated an event such that league members enjoyed the experience. He ran along a track many officials would have called unfit for race conditions and had to switch shoes halfway through for better traction. Even after tweaking a knee, he finished the race.

Although he insists he could have been a varsity athlete, Kennedy completed the half marathon in a measly time of 2:45:04 (12:35/ mile pace). For reference, this is only 5-minutes faster than his run portion of the Austin half ironman he completed after swimming and biking a combined 57-miles.

Of the race, Kennedy commented, “No one, and I mean no one, will ever endure as brutal a punishment as I did that year running over 300 laps in an awkwardly shaped yard hopping over a cement foundation over and over again.”

Total Time Spent on Challenge: 2:45:04.
Total Time Spent on Challenge Prep: 40 hours

D Tier:

Arends gave the half marathon its Masters Weekend tradition, but his execution left much to be desired. Battling a lack of training, a newborn, and injuries from a prior race the same week, Arends crawled across the finish line in 3:14:58 (14:52/mile pace) in about 150 laps.

Of the race itself, he lamented that, “It was just about as bad for [him] to have missed the Masters.”

Despite having a larger, dryer track to run around, Arends completed the race nearly half an hour slower than Kennedy and was just 11-minutes shy of Zisman’s full marathon time. It was a pace so slow it isn’t included on this half marathon pacing chart.

Total Time Spent on Challenge: 3:14:58.
Total Time Spent on Challenge Prep: 20 hours.

Bold Prediction:

Our model predicts Travis Cotton as this year’s Toilet Bowl Champ and Master Half Marathon runner. As a former track star from Oklahoma (placing 2nd in state with a time of 11.23 in the Men’s 3A 100m), we challenge Cotton to perform better than the league’s best ever half marathon completed in 1:33:56.

The Way of Kings

We introduce this office’s 2025 platform of a democratic monarchy. Unlike the tyrants and fascists who serve themselves, we will follow the way of kings, serving the people.

Rules that become effective immediately, upon our reelection:

Rule Change Submission Process: Rules must be submitted via the website form within one week after the commissioner election this season. This ensures rule ideas are submitted while fresh on your mind. You can view a list of already submitted rules here.
Rule Presentation and Voting: This year, all suggested rule changes will be consolidated into an online ballot distributed 1-week prior to the annual Owners Meeting. That gathering shall serve as the forum to present, but not debate, the voting results and rules. In the interest of fostering meaningful, league-wide discourse, we encourage personal conversations via phone or other means before casting your votes. All necessary documentation will be provided in advance, ensuring transparency.
League Awards: For the first time ever, the league will vote for the Coach of the Year, Chatty Cathy, and Friendly Ghost awards. If you have a fun, new award category, please submit it via the rules form.

At the Owners Meeting, you can look forward to time-honored traditions like the annual Commissioner’s Address, the Winner’s Speech, and our beloved Award Ceremony.

Finally, we reaffirm that serving as your commissioner is a profound honor—one we have been proud to uphold. However, progress thrives on fresh perspectives, and we wholeheartedly encourage any who feel led to step into this role next season. Should one of you choose to lead, this office will graciously step aside, fully supporting the transition.

Week 12 Recap

Extra Points:

The Mobley v. Kennedy rematch was another low point barn burner, reminiscent of the 2012 BCS National Championship Game.
Trash talk is back.
O’Neil, against personal-values, claims players for $0 faab.
Gilmore considers iPhone after Apple Intelligent summaries are shared.
Not even Apple can make Wahrman look sad.
Cotton did, in fact, start all players.

Message of the Week:

Week 13 Preview

This Week in History:

Collin Green and [former member] set the record for Lowest Combined Score (142.58) in 2022 Week 13.

Storylines:

Norton, O’Neil, Lamb in must-win matchups to keep playoff hopes alive.
Kennedy in must-win matchup to keep 1-seed hope alive.
Zisman and Arends face off in what will likely become a playoff determining game.
Mobley looks to hold 40-point lead over Norton for the seasonal Most Points cash price.
A win for Green could result in a first round bye.
Cotton and Wahrman, mathematically eliminated from playoffs, compete to avoid Toilet Bowl bye.
A Bosch victory could lead the Girl Dads to sending 3 of their 4 members to the playoffs.
Gilmore must likely win out to keep his first round playoff bye.