Every year, one team drafts with hope.
Every year, one team drafts with strategy.
And every year, one team drafts exclusively players who immediately enter the Witness Protection Program for Injured Athletes.
This franchise — the beloved, slippery architect of the Watermelon Saga — submitted what can only be described as the league’s first-ever Draft-Day Memorial Service. His roster wasn’t built… it was embalmed.
And as is tradition, we take a moment to honor those we lost along the way.
🕯️ Malik Nabers – IR
A promising young talent who tragically saw his knee do a full 180 on the MetLife turf during Week 4.
He entered the season with burst, swagger, and superstar potential.
He exited the season… on a medical cart.
🕯️ Brian Thomas Jr. – Broken
A beautiful deep threat saddled with quarterback play akin to some kid at Shawnee Mission East named Daxden. A one-time prince who succumbed to a sophomore slump filled with minor injuries, drops, and some bum named Parker Washington taking all his targets.
🕯️ Alvin Kamara – Old & IR
A veteran screen-pass merchant now cosplaying as a screen merchant. No seriously, Alvin Kamara sells TVs at Best Buy now because he sucks at football and has little to no remaining connective tissue in his knees.
🕯️ Omarion Hampton – IR
Drafted for youth, burst, and fresh legs.
Sadly, those legs were returned to sender after Week 5 (and then promptly forwarded to Trey, who is currently using them in the playoffs).
🕯️ Jameson Williams – Inconsistent
A human addicted to slot machines and SGPs.
Chaotic.
Unpredictable.
Occasionally electric.
Sometimes he delivers treasure, sometimes nothing. A Fantasy Footballers “My Guy” (I actually have no idea because I don’t listen to those losers in a basement). Williams is only that — a fantasy.
🕯️ Emeka Egbuka – Nice, But Unfortunately Buried
One of the few good picks, but destined to live his playoff life behind Chris Godwin and Mike Evans, two men who continue to cling to relevance like barnacles on a shipwreck at the south end of Raymond James Stadium.
He’s a good player — just tragically drafted into the wrong ecosystem.
🕯️ Bill – Not the Guy. Not A Guy?
We don’t know who Bill is.
We don’t think he knows who Bill is.
But Bill was drafted, and for that, we grieve.
🕯️ Cedric Tillman – Hurt
Drafted. Played okay. Got hurt. Stayed hurt.
The most consistent player on the roster. A Brown through and through. Guy stinks.
🕯️ Adam Thielen – Old
A man who has seen things.
A man who creaks when he stands up.
A man whose fantasy relevance died years ago, yet continues to haunt late-round draft boards.
🕯️ Will Shipley – Who?
A name seen once, never spoken again.
Shipley is less a football player and more a trivia question no one gets right.
A Season to Forget, A Draft to Remember
While other Pretenders stumbled strategically, this franchise didn’t just struggle it assembled the league’s first-ever roster composed entirely of unripe, overripe, and gently rotting fantasy produce.
The injuries were relentless.
The inconsistency was biblical.
And the faint smell of watermelon still lingers over this organization like a damp fog.
But in honor of tradition — and because we love the man dearly — we present this final Pretender as a testament to perseverance, bad luck, and the eternal battle between one owner and the produce aisle.
KC Guyz 