KC Guyz

Interdimensional Cable

By Office of the Commissioner, Editor-in-Chief

Week 15 Newsletter

This week’s newsletter includes six shorts worth sharing but were not strong enough to warrant individual articles. Enjoy this series of shorts.

Short #1: The Great Escapist

The Florida Men started this season defeated at 0-6. An achievement no one has accomplished before. Despite their slow start, this organization clawed their way through the season finding wins in their:

  • 102-98 victory over We-Fense in week 7
  • 127-87 victory over C- in week 10
  • 111-103 victory over Blessed + Highly Favored in week 12
  • 129-96 victory over The Show in week 13

Owner Matthew O’Neil stated time and again his “roster construction” would save him from the Toilet Bowl. And that it did. His win in week 15 solidified his safety. O’Neil has called himself the “Great Escapist” which is why those within his organization call him the “Grapist.”

Short #2: Woulda Coulda Shoulda

2023 System

Our season ended with these playoff owners:

  1. John Gilmore
  2. Zane Callister
  3. Collin Green
  4. Trey Kennedy
  5. Jordan Bosch
  6. Spencer Mobley

Win Against the Median (aka 2-Win) System

Had our league approved a Win Against the Median (aka 2-Win) system with similar week 14 rules, these owners would have made the playoffs:

  1. John Gilmore
  2. Zane Callister
  3. Spencer Mobley
  4. Collin Green
  5. Trey Kennedy
  6. Andrew Norton

In a 2-win structure, Norton1 makes the playoffs with Bosch out.

Rivalry Week System

Had our league approved a Rivalry Week system where you play your week 1 opponent a second time during the week 14 rivalry game, these six teams would have made the playoffs:

  1. John Gilmore
  2. Zane Callister
  3. Collin Green
  4. Jordan Bosch
  5. Spencer Mobley
  6. Aaron Van Wormer

In a single win system, Presented by Crypto.com makes the playoffs and ousts the Kennedy Adoption Agency after Van Wormer beat Kennedy in their week 14 head to head matchup 142-139.

Selection Committee System

And finally, had our league adopted a Selection Committee system2 that chose the most deserving teams, your commissioner would have sent these 6 teams to the playoffs:

  1. John Gilmore
  2. Spencer Mobley
  3. Zane Callister
  4. Aaron Van Wormer
  5. Andrew Norton
  6. Trey Kennedy3

In a committee system, the year’s best teams go to the playoffs where teams like We-fense and Presented by Crypto.com are in while Rambo 🖕 and The Terrordome are out.

Short #3: Toilet Time and The Brackoff Baddies

Our office commissioned this piece of art depicting the matchup between Matthew O’Neil and Christopher Wahrman:

Our office commissioned this piece of art depicting the matchup between Andrew Norton and Samuel Arends:

Our office commissioned this piece of art depicting the brackoff:

Short #4: Samuel and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

In his week 13 must win matchup against Andrew Norton of We-fense, Samuel Arends of Moneyball scored the second lowest total in a game ever at 52.14 points. His situation gets worse. Considering every week the absolute total amount of points scored across all games varies, a better indication of performance is the Weekly Percentage Below Average (WPBA). In his week 13 must win matchup, Arends scored the worst ever WPBA at 55.67% below average.

Here are the top 10 worst ever WPBA:

RankPercent Below AverageTotal ScoreOwnerYear
#1-55.67%52.14Samuel Arends2023 Week 14
#2-55.41%50.50Aaron Van Wormer2022 Week 13
#3-52.99%53.78Zane Callister2021 Week 5
#4-51.23%57.52Trey Kennedy2020 Week 8
#5-49.83%59.18John Gilmore2020 Week 2
#6-48.61%58.78Andrew Norton2021 Week 9
#7-48.03%58.86Jordan Bosch2022 Week 5
#8-47.89%61.46Chris Wahrman2020 Week 10
#9-47.46%60.10Spencer Mobley2021 Week 14
#10-46.18%60.96John Gilmore2022 Week 3

Short #5: For the Sake of Simplicity

The commissioner would like to remind all teams that during the Owner’s Meeting next year, we will vote on cool, novel ideas like we do every year with notable examples of: 

  1. The two-week toilet bowl championship on weeks 14/15 from 2020.
  2. The Week 14 play-in games for seeds 7-10 from 2021-2022.
  3. The Week 14 game-against-the-median in 2023.
  4. The 2023 Brackoff.

And yet, despite copious communication to the curious contenders, the commissioner cannot quit the confusion of the KC Guyz. 

Each year we have members confused, which creates resentment, and requires meticulous documentation to settle. This a plea on behalf of our office to encourage only rules that can be supported through the native Sleeper app moving forward.

Short #6: Shitpost

Season to date, the average number of messages sent per person in our chat is 90. Callister leads the pack with a little over 200, followed closely by Lamb and Zisman.

Meanwhile, all four members of the toilet bowl playoffs have sent fewer messages than league average. Is this their comeuppance for lack of involvement in the fantasy league? Is there a correlation between league involvement and toilet bowl participation? Are Norton and Wahrman even aware they are in the Toilet Bowl? These are the questions people are asking.

The combined total number of messages between Toilet Bowl participants Norton and Wahrman is still below league average at only 68.

And lastly, having barely missed this year’s toilet bowl playoffs is Cotton with a season low 9 messages sent.

Turns out those who don’t post, end up like sh*t: right in the toilet bowl.

Thank you,

Office of the Commissioner

  1. We-fense scored 1,774 points in the regular season while The Terrordome scored 1,591. ↩︎
  2. System calculated by (Points Scored x2) + (Points Scored * Winning %) + (Points Scored * Winning % if played vs the median score of the week). ↩︎
  3. For full transparency, we would have actually sent the FSB Zuggernauts in the 6 seed who many have said are the greatest dynasty in league history. ↩︎

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