Week 16 Newsletter
What follows is a two part newsletter where we first look at the character of your Toilet Bowl Champ, Samuel Arends. In the second half, we provide messages from your two finalists rallying your support ahead of their matchup. This office will send a poll where you get to choose your character or show who you will be rooting for this week.
The Character of the Toilet Bowl Champ
Samuel Arends of Moneyball entered the 2023 season with the highest winning percentage. Unfortunately, poor culture seeped throughout his organization leading to a franchise low Toilet Bowl victory to cap off his year. This office kept the receipts of the 2023 Toilet Bowl Champ to highlight the negative effects bad culture has on a franchise.
On September 20th, ahead of his week 3 loss, Arends said:
I consider myself a leading expert on poverty franchise behavior.
Later that week, Arends had this to say about Collin Green’s Rambo 🖕:
You don’t have to be an engineer to calculate my winning percentage against your team. Wish you could figure out how to build a roster.
His team would go on to lose 8 of his next 11 games. He had this to say about his pain and suffering:
Got any of that KY jelly left over? Gonna need some here.
During his week 5 matchup against the Kennedy Adoption Agency, Arends benched Zach Moss, a player who had scored 50+ points over 3 weeks. Moss would go on to score 33.50 points with Arends lamenting:
Just kept refreshing Zach Moss’s points from this week while I’m at work. Over and over and over again. How did this happen?
Speaking of his week 6 loss to Blessed + Highly Favored, Arends said:
These are the tough losses that build the character needed for the December playoffs [emphasis added].
True to form, he would continue losing throughout the Toilet Bowl playoffs in December.
After his week 7 loss to The Show, Arends foresaw:
I might need to start training…
That same week, he demonstrated his apathy through lack of rule comprehension. He dropped a bench player then picked up a free agent (an action well within the rules and a situation already clarified by this office days prior). He asked:
I feel like this should be against the rules, Zisman your thoughts?
Our thoughts are that this office believes the facts do not care about your feelings. And we have always stood FOR the rules.
On October 28th, current finalist Trey Kennedy said Arends’ “team has no depth. They’re thinner than his frame (also said he’s built like Taylor Swift).” To which Arends, in his shame, grants:
This was unfortunately very funny.
After week 10, Arends posted a tweet of Bills Offensive Coordinator Ken Dorsey being fired. He commented:
This will fix Gabe Davis! Right guys?
Davis went on to score 23 points on Arrends’ bench in the Toilet Bowl Final.
And after 3 months of league activity, Arends was still confused about our rules, specifically waiver wire order. He asked:
Can you explain how waiver order works in this league?
We should have known then that his organization would go on to lose the Toilet Bowl. Jordan Bosch would kindly google the rules on Arends’ behalf and give him the explanation needed. Arends claimed of himself:
Okay sorry I’m dumb.
After week 9, Arends traded with Connor Lamb for players Justin Jefferson and De’Von Achane. After week 11, Arends taunted Lamb suggesting Lamb’s players constantly get hurt. Little did Arends know Achane would go on to re-agitate his injury and score a mere 4.1 in the Toilet Bowl Finals.
When learning his team would have a losing record given anyone’s schedule, he stated:
Suck my dick. Fantasy Football is stupid, pointless, and I hate it.
In the final week of the regular season, Arends sent a “GO BEARS” gif. The Bears are last in the NFC North at 6-9 this season. (Ha, 69).
In the Toilet Bowl Finals against team C-, Arends lamented:
Justin Jefferson is TRASH 🗑️
Jefferson would go on to score 26.1 points that game—an excellent score by any measure. So, Arends ends with a gif of Forrest Gump claiming, “I’m not a smart man.”
In conclusion, we hope the above overview provides indisputable evidence of franchise behavior befitting the 2023 Toilet Bowl Champ. Nonetheless, best of luck to Arends in the off-season as he prepares for his half marathon.
Choose Your Character
The 2023 Finals is a matchup between 2-seed Zane Callister of the Kirk Memorial Foundation and 4-seed Trey Kennedy of the Kennedy Adoption Agency. Both owners sent us these messages to rally your support.
From team Kirk Memorial Foundation:
The tortoise and the hare, david and goliath, all share a common thread. The large, the loud, and the fast don’t always win. While Trey lives for your approval in this league, I play from a place of freedom. A win for team KMF is a win for freedom. In M. Night Shyamalan’s “the village” the people of the Amish-like village never travel beyond the woods for fear of the creatures their “leaders” warn of. Little do they know there’s freedom beyond the pine. Held captive by false fear and manipulated protection they live isolated repressed lives. That is, until someone moves beyond the imaginary boundary. I have tasted what’s beyond the imaginary boundary set by trey and his verbal assaults. What exists out there is freedom. So win or lose, I play for freedom. Not just for myself but for each and everyone of you. May you set your lineups without fear of the future.
Fortis et Liber
From team Kennedy Adoption Agency:
KC Guyz –
As I prepare for this league’s 4th championship game, I can’t help but reflect back on my experience in KC Guyz thus far. From narrowly escaping Waffle House in Year 1, to being upset in the Finals Year 2, to suffering my own LPP (Last Place Punishment) in Year 3, I have experienced more ups and downs than arguably any other competitor. Much like John’s attempted jokes in the GT or Sam’s trade decisions, there’s been surprises at every turn of my tempestuous career. Two Toilet Bowls, Two Championships – you always know you’re going to get a wild ride when you see me on your Sleeper app.
Now, I could go on and on about how brilliant my play has been this year, how astoundingly unlucky I was last year, or how Travis’s lack of communication is far more embittering than it is endearing, but I’d like use this time to speak to a far greater point: why you should be rooting for me in this year’s Championship Game.
Before I elaborate, I would be remiss if I did not give credit where it’s due to my opponent Collin. So, Collin, no credit to you at all. Your team blows. Your credit is due in any of the diapers of the league’s many babies of which you may take your pick: Noah, Thomas, Shepherd, Roman, Boston, Sophia, Walker, Nora, Addison, Brooks, Zane, Andrew or John.
Also, Sam, best of luck to you. I know what you’re going through. Well, kind of. I had six injured quarterbacks and you traded away the best player in football for two injured guys and a player you dropped. Nevertheless, some unsolicited advice would be to train, hydrate, and keep your head down my friend. I’ll be the first to congratulate you at the finish line.
KC Guyz, I want to be your next champion. I want it like air. I want that ring. I want to join that coveted Guys Dinner. I want to be a part of those three other guys who demand so much respect, so allow me to pay some quickly:
- Spencer, I told you Purdy sucked, you brocksucker.
- Andrew, I should have beat you 2 years ago and I can’t believe a former champ spent $89 on a worthless fantasy player (leaving himself with $0 although he potentially had another week to play ??).
- Connor, happy to trade you Josh Dobbs you dummy he has more chest hair than you.
So, League Mates, without further adieu, allow me to propose why you should be rooting for the Kennedy Adoption Agency this NYE. I know I am not the easiest guy to get behind. My perfect blend of moxie, charisma and charm can get old. Hell, even I sometimes question why the Potter put so much rizz in my clay! Whether you call me him or her or winner or loser, hero or villain or affable or oppugnant, gregarious or churlish or deferential or supercilious, there’s one thing you simply cannot call me: quitter.
When I was on lap 256 in O’Neils’ backyard (his grass will still be ass next summer) did I give in? Who has the record for most trades in this league? Who battled until the very bitter end year in and year out in the good times and the bad? When the vote I was most passionate about didn’t pass (2 wins per week) did I refuse to play or did I adjust my game play and STILL win?
Who said they are done with this league when they simply didn’t get their way? Who announced their retirement before the season’s end because it took him 14 weeks to wrap his head around the rules we all voted on? Who didn’t even show up to vote on said rules yet is so passionate about them he refuses to go with the greater good? Who QUIT?
The choice is yours, KC GUYZ. You either side with democracy and the future, or you side with cowardice.
Lastly, I’m honored and horny to announce something very, very special. Our Commissioner has led us to another successful KC Guyz year, but the burden has been heavy and one no man should carry alone. That’s why I, Trey Kennedy, am announcing my running for VP of KC Guyz in 2024. Your vote would mean more to me than a couple Florida Men to O’Neils. I hope this Championship Week brings entertainment and excitement to all as we usher in a new year and a new champion.
Thank you.
Your 4th Champ,
Trey
Please, go cast your vote for who you hope to win this season.
Thank you,
Office of the Commissioner
KC Guyz 