KC Guyz

The Rise, The Fall, and The Rage of Leadership

December 13, 2023

By Office of the Commissioner, Editor-in-Chief

Week 14 Newsletter

As the regular season concludes, we find ourselves celebrating the achievements of those who advance to the Brackoff and commiserating with those Toilet Bowl bound.

To lighten the mood and provide some relief to our teams after months of intense competition, we’re excited to bring you an embellished tale from one owner’s unique perspective on the 2023 season.

Our journey begins with an incredibly successful, calculated, and optimistic fantasy football commissioner leading an Owner’s Meeting. This commissioner is the embodiment of FAIRNESS, a staunch advocate for DEMOCRACY, and an unwavering DEFENDER of JUSTICE.

On Draft Night, the commissioner couldn’t contain his excitement as Ryan Zisman, owner of the FSB Zuggernauts, secured Jalen Hurts with the 14th overall pick, followed by Cooper Kupp at 15th, and Jonathan Taylor at 61st. This masterful draft would go down in league history as one of the finest as he secured three first round players.

In week 3, Zisman struck gold by acquiring Jerome Ford for the entirety of his $100 FAAB. Ford proved to be a valuable FLEX2 option averaging 12.5 points per game.

Week 4 witnessed Zisman’s shrewd maneuvering as he traded away AJ Dillon for an overpriced $1 to Matthew O’Neil of The Florida Men, revitalizing his waiver wire strategy.

However, the turning point occurred later in week 4 when John Gilmore, owner of Room 40 🥜, seemingly outwitted and FLEECED Zisman in a trade that pushed the commissioner to a defining moment, resulting in his first ruling on an edge case scenario. In the end, the commissioner made the bold decision to reverse the trade.

In week 7, Zisman found himself outmaneuvered by Jordan Bosch of The Terrordome, accepting a trade involving Mike Evans and Jonathan Taylor for Joe Mixon and DK Metcalf. Little did he know that this trade–compounded by Mixon and Metcalf both being on bye during his week 7 matchup against Bosch–would ultimately cost him a playoff spot.

Week 8 saw players QUESTIONING the INTEGRITY of the commissioner when he steadfastly upheld the rules allowing teams to drop benched players from their roster. The lack of rule comprehension and the apparent DISREGARD for the RULES pushed him to new heights of frustration.

In week 9, Zisman lost yet another trade, this time to Collin Green of RAMBO🖕. He traded Hurts, Mixon, and Kupp for Burrow, Etienne, and Doubs. Burrow’s season-ending injury in week 11, coupled with Etienne’s significant drop in average points per game, left Zisman seething with fury.

Week 12 marked a pivotal moment as the commissioner published the Schedule Swap newsletter, highlighting the absurdity of a single-win system. He left no room for doubt that our league’s rules favor luck as the primary determinant of playoff teams, igniting Zisman’s uncontrollable rage.

Week 13 featured our office’s satirical piece, Defense Wins Championships, once again exposing how our league’s rules prioritize LUCK over SKILL. This realization shook Zisman’s world, leaving him in a state of extreme, earth-shattering fury.

And finally, at the conclusion of the regular season, the FSB Zuggernauts again set the record for Most Points Against for the 3rd consecutive year. Zisman’s rage transcended cosmic scales, becoming a tangible, reality-distorting force.